I was noticing that my blog is getting stale and old. I need to clean some things up. I need to update my prayer list for sure and remove the Seminary books.
One thing is I did quit seminary. I do not beleive I will be returning in the near future. Initially, I felt a very strong calling to learn, yet dont feel the call to become a Minister/Pastor. I dont regret the time and money spent. It was awesome, and yet quite difficult. I just felt that if I had no intentions of becoming a Pastor then the end of the tunnel seams hazy to me. Furthermore, seminary study is very very demanding and I just found the social cost was too high. It is very difficult to work full time and be a good daddy and husband. I sense I was failing. I had to decide what was most important at this time of my life.
I have also learned several things about myself that would not make me a very good Pastor. I know Pastors are not perfect, but I am so far from perfect its frightening. I have found myself doing and saying things that are not becoming of a man of the cloth. I guess deep down, I dont have the passion to continue the struggle.
I have also done some reflecting and realized that every church I have ever been to has had at least one person who's job it is to ruin a Pastors life. I am astounded how a very few number of people can choke and overwhelm a Pastor. I am told that a majority of the time and effort is spent on a minority of people. Whats worse, is the people who chew up the most resources, are the poeple who will never listen or repent. I am not a confrontational person, but as a Pastor I would need balls that I dont have.
I had begun this journey with a deep love for God. I wanted to be Jesus to the hurting. I have a strong compassionate heart. I guess this was just a romance thing as I was continually told and reminded that "Being a good christian is a difficult thing and requires a lot of hard work" "Its not completely a matter of the heart but of the will and mind also" While I didnt fully agree I saw the point. If I wasnt prepared to study the word day and night and seek to fully understand and convey the Word in a manner that is understandable to the seeker or the christian, then what was I doing? Its one thing to love God with all your heart, yet another to be able put all of that into action before others.
My biggest frustration is that the debates are endless and long on the "ACTUAL" meaning of Gods word. The debates and arguments are endless as each person wants to be "correct" yet reads and understands things differently. Do I beleive there is such thing as absolute truth? ABSOLUTELY! Do I know what that truth is......doh. YOu got me there. Initially I felt that my heart relationship was what God desired of me, Yet am reminded that there is responsibility too! I am afraid I lack the desire and passion to tear it all apart. I really worry that while us "super christians" endlessly debate...people are hurting and killing themselves and tearing apart each others lives. People are lost and calling out for help. The NOISE of debate was drowning out the cries in my head.
I still love God and I try to do my best to maintain a love relationship. I try and listen to Him. I beleive my only hope of salvation is through Jesus. I beleive that this is going to be good enough for me, YET...not good enough to be a Pastor.
I have no interest in getting into endless debate of intricacy. Father forgive me if I'm wrong.
Dear God
PLease help me be a good son. Help me Lord to do your will. Help me to understand what that is right in Your eyes. Father forgive me and my humanity. Forgive me please if I let You down. Help me to focus on what You think is important. Help me Lord to focus on You and not the opinion of others. Thank You for dying on the cross for a wretched person as I.
Don,
ReplyDeleteI have several things I thought as I read that, but I'm pretty tired now and want to be off to bed ;)
Here's the quick summary:
- I think when people worry about something about themselves, that's always a good sign in my book. It is only a bad sign if you do not worry. Worrying that you are not what you want to be reminds you of the good thing that you want to be.
- I got caught up worrying about something a few weeks ago. I had lots of "ifs" and "buts" and "maybes" and all sorts going through my head. And then I realised... That's exactly where it was. In my head. My heart was not worrying.
- I have been thinking recently about things that I do not know whether I could do, etc. I realised that in the end, so long as I try as hard as I can, I'll at least be able to look back in the future and say "Well, I know I tried".
'k, I think that's all for now :) Bedtime! :)
But isn't this blog a ministry? I mean we all share ideas about God and the bible. There's real life in many of your posts even when God isn't specifically mentioned but I always get the sense he's never far. I get to share ideas that are not "group-think" or "church speak" free from judgement, ridicule or a feeling of being ostracized to a friend who listens. My children don't have to be the "kids of that nut" to the rest of the congregation here. Many discussions are no different than you might expect at a house church bible study. Granted there's no pulpit in the traditional sense, but there's no hypocracy either.
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