Joy and Sorrow...and that guilt thing again

I just finished reading about the amazing work that the Christian Children’s Fund of Canada in other parts of the world. As I mentioned, I have sponsored a child for almost 10 years and was recently re-assigned. I am very happy that my old boy Jonathon and his community are no longer at risk and that they are strong enough to stand on their own. This has always been the goal. My sorrow comes now as I reflect on Jonathon and myself.

Jonathon faithfully sent me updates and Christmas cards. He wrote me letters talking about his life and asking me questions about mine. I never once sent him a letter. I never once responded to his questions. Now that he is moving on with his life, I am feeling guilty. I think I need to write to him now and say goodbye and perhaps explain myself.

I often use my blog as a way for me to work out stuff. I know, usually we work stuff out in private but I also value the thoughts of others. Often times the act of me writing and posting gives me a thought process and helps me to work out my path.

So here is why I never responded.

-I was driven by a need to help someone in private, in secret as an anonymous person.

-I did not want to influence his life other than providing funds for the people who knew the community and what they needed and were directly related to the project.

-I did not want this little boy to grow up dreaming of me or my country as being a better place. I wanted him to focus only on his own community.

-I did not want to interfere with Jonathon’s family. He had a mom and dad and siblings and I did not want to change anything that I didn’t know about.

-I wanted as much of the resources to go to him as possible and did not really want money or resources going to correspondence/thankyou cards or any other swag that did not directly help the program. I realize people are motivated by thankyou’s but my motivation was different.

-I had the money taken out of my Credit Card monthly and once I made the commitment I put it out of mind. It was something I did because I felt commanded by my Lord to do something and that “command” didn’t include correspondence.

-I never intended to correspond.

As I read my new sponsor pack, it appears as though correspondence is a valuable part of the program. I have read about the joy and glee of the children as they receive letters from their sponsors. I wonder if he ever sat waiting for me to respond? I feel bad if he did. So now I think I need to contact Jonathon and explain to him.

Well now that I have a new sponsor child with different circumstances, I am feeling like I need to correspond. I’m still praying over that. Little Artruro does not have a father. He lives with his mom and his aunt. There are no men in the house. The men have rected or neglected their family. There are two families struggling to make ends meet. There are 5 beds in a 2 room shack. Am I seeking to be a father image? Am I seeking to vindicate man?

As I look back at my life I find myself drawn to situations where women or children have been victimized or abused or neglected by men. I have often looked back in shame at what my fellow man has done. While I am a man, struggling to do the right thing, I see all around me men who don’t care and who think of only themselves. I am often ashamed at being a man, yet I have the greatest respect fro men who “do it right” I have many men mentors who I have modeled my life after and I have many “anti-mentors” who I have tried to not be like.

I recon there are many things I cant change, but there are some things I can change. I have come to take great guidance from that “still small voice” and my relationship with God. I ask myself continually….what would Jesus do? He after all is my hero, my saviour and my only hope for salvation.